How do we stop people pleasing?
As I shared last week, I’m a recovering people-pleaser addict. Not proud of this fact. But in the interest of keeping it real, this has been an internal struggle for most of my life.
God revealed this mindset trap in several ways over the years. I began to understand the root of my tendencies when a friend with the gift of prophecy shared this with me: “I see a gaping hole in your heart.”
At that exact moment, my Father brought images from my life to mind. I know this may sound crazy. But He wanted me to see where the wound began—by things said and done in my elementary and junior high years. I believe He showed me these things so I both see the root of this bad habit, and so I could see them through the filter of His love.
Examples of people pleasing
I remembered driving a certain way because a boyfriend dared me to.
Overanalyzing how I said things because I didn’t want to be rejected.
Saying I loved certain things my boyfriend-now-husband loved because I wanted him to like me.
And yes, Hubs called me on this. He gave me permission to like the things I liked. He said he wanted to get to know the real me, not the me I thought he wanted me to be.
Revolutionary. And scary for this craving-acceptance young woman.
God showed me these memories, not to condemn, but so that I could find freedom. I rushed home from that lunch date and spent the next few hours journaling.
God never wants us to be like someone else. He only made one Jeanne Takenaka. Only one of each of us. Not so we could copy others to try and gain approval, but so we could fulfill a calling He created just for us. And our callings can only be fulfilled by . . . guess who?
Us. As God created us.
A perspective about people pleasing
God instilled in each of us specific giftings, talents, personalities, and strengths because He knew we needed them to fulfill what He created us to do.
When we try to emulate someone else, we diminish the beauty of the person He created us to be. (Click to tweet) We tarnish the unique shine He placed within us. This perspective shift can be the beginning of helping us stop people pleasing.
How do we stop people pleasing?
As I mentioned last week, we first need to figure out our motivations for pleasing people. Only as we determine these can we begin to make changes.
Biblical thoughts
Know what God says about us.
He says We are fearfully and wonderfully made. God saw us while we still drew nutrients in our mothers’ wombs (Psalm 139). We are God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works (Click to tweet), which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. (Eph 2:10)
Understand that God loves us, and this is enough
Our Father loves us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). He didn’t create Jeremiah to be a “yes” man to the king. God gave this prophet a hard, holy calling to speak truth to a king and nation who wanted to believe lies. Jeremiah didn’t yield to the king’s ways. Instead, He was faithful to the calling God gave him. Though Jeremiah didn’t see the fruit of his ministry in his lifetime, we still remember and study and talk about Jeremiah today.
Cling to the truth that we hold value in his eyes.
Especially in a culture that doesn’t value human life or those who hold a different viewpoint on certain topics, we must remember who we are in God’s eyes. We are valued, cherished. We are significant to Him simply because He created us. It’s as we learn to live into the intrinsic value God places on us we can begin to stop people pleasing.
Change our thinking about where we seek affirmation.
God tells us if we choose to live in the world’s ways, we have no part in Him. But, He invites us to live in His ways. And He has made many promises we can hold onto if we trust Him.
Altering our thinking about where we seek affirmation takes time and deliberate effort. When we catch ourselves thinking about how we can make someone else happy in an unhealthy way, we must halt that line of thinking.
Other things to consider to stop people-pleasing tendencies:
Practical changes to implement
Once we believe in our intrinsic value, these changes will be easier. Very Well Mind recommends these steps:
Establish boundaries on our time and our yeses. In God’s eyes, we are worth taking care of ourselves. It’s okay to pause briefly before agreeing to do something. Evaluate the request. A solid answer is, “Let me get back with you.”
Start small. Making a lot of behavioral changes all at once can be overwhelming. Instead, begin by asserting ourselves and saying no in small ways.
Set goals and priorities. When we know the plans we have—that God has given us—we can determine our priorities. And if someone asks or demands something that doesn’t fit within those priorities, it becomes easier to say no.
Assess the request. Before we blurt out a “yes,” it’s okay to ask for time to think about it and determine what the request requires. If it bumps against the priorities God’s shown us, that makes the answer more evident.
Don’t make excuses when we say no.
It’s okay to help when we want to help.
Conclusion
My people pleasing took different forms, depending on the situation. As I believed the truth that I am significant to God—that He loves me just because I’m His—the need to please people for acceptance lost its grip on my heart.
I had many other lessons to learn but learning how to stop people pleasing changed my life. And it will do this for each of us as we understand our identity in Jesus.
Q4U: If you’ve struggled with this, what has helped you stop people pleasing? What Bible verse helps you understand your identity in Christ?
*****Quick Reminder: Next week, we’re meeting up at Donna’s place! See you there!*****
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“Altering our thinking about where we seek affirmation takes time and deliberate effort.” I almost read that word as “debilitating” effort—because it can feel that way! lol! Wonderful post, Jeanne. This is an on-going challenge for so many of us.
Mary, thank you so much for stopping by! I grinned at the twist your mind made with the words. And yes, sometimes it does feel debilitating, LOL. Thanks so much for your encouragement!
This is so good, Jeanne. Your five biblical thoughts about how God sees us are so encouraging, even to those of us who might not consider ourselves to be people pleasers (but still struggle with a desire for affirmation). And the practical tips are make so much sense, especially the one about not making excuses for saying no.
Lois, I’m so glad you found this post helpful. That desire for affirmation takes different forms, I think. I’m so thankful for your encouragement!
This is so good, friend. I’ve called myself a reformed people pleaser but I think I’m still in the process. Your point about where I seek affirmation? That really hit home for me.
Blessings,
Tammy
Awww, Tammy, thank you for your kind words. I love that…a reformed people-pleaser. 🙂 I’m so glad there were things in this post that spoke to you. I always appreciate your encouragement, my friend!
It’s wonderful how God placed a person in your life to speak truth that led you closer to His ways, not our “people-pleasing” ways. Today I’m camped in Matthew 11:30 that encourages a relationship with God that moves us from weary to energized purpose. People-pleasing is life-draining, but God is alway life-giving!
Lynn, that person was truly a blessing, in so many ways! I love what you said about how people-pleasing is always draining but that God is always life-giving. So true!
Your series has helped me analyze how often I people please 😊. I do it far more often than I care to admit. Thank you for the food for thought and practical tools for changing this habit!
Anita, I’m so glad this series has helped you. I still catch myself slipping into people pleasing mode. May we both grow more intentional about seeking to please only the One who matters most. 🙂
Great post Jeanne!
It appears God has a theme going, as I just finished a post for this coming Friday on; How we value ourselves?
Blessings, Jennifer
Jennifer, isn’t it fun how God does that? I’ll be looking forward to reading your post. 🙂
Jeanne, I so appreciate your transparency in sharing about your own people pleasing journey to wellness. I think we all can fall prey to those tendencies from time to time. I think it is a matter of affections-or rather where we place our affections. When I realized self-focus or people pleasing demonstrated a lack of love and honor for God, it changed the choices I made. Truly my love for God is the motivation for keeping me from seeking to please others instead of Him.
Donna, I really appreciate your thoughts on considering where we place our affections. What you said about people pleasing demonstrating a lack of love and honor for God . . . that’s a powerful way to reframe people-pleasing tendencies. I’m so glad you shared that!
While I don’t have complete victory, a couple of different things have helped me improve in this area. As a theater director, the imagery of performing for an audience of one was very helpful and, as a vocalist, realizing that I had too many voices turned up way too high, making it hard to hear that still small voice.
Your words here are a good reminder that I need to continue to pay attention in this area. Thanks!
Natalie, I love the illustrations that help you to steer clear of people-pleasing tendencies! The idea of too many voices in my head drowning out the one small voice . . . yes. Great “visual” for me too. 🙂
I admire the strong prophets like Elijah and Paul who didn’t seem to care what others thought of them. I’ve come to care more what Jesus thinks of me. But I still don’t like being misunderstood or rejected.
Debbie, I’m with you. Every time I read through the Bible and I read about prophets like Elijah and Paul, I note how strong they are in fulfilling their calling rather than worrying about how people will respond to their message. I’m with you . . . I don’t like being misunderstood or rejected. Thanks for sharing your insights!
This is such a powerful message, Jeanne! Thankfully, people pleasing is not as big a struggle for me as it once was. But I’m still learning. When my husband was a pastor, that was the most difficult battle with this! Deep down, I knew I really wanted everyone to like me. And when someone didn’t or they didn’t have a reason, even worse, it was hard for me to let it go!
Love how you said: “ When we try to emulate someone else, we diminish the beauty of the person He created us to be.” That’s a wow statement! I memorized Galatians 1:10 early on in ministry and that’s what I clung to!
Karen, I so resonate with your words! Like you, I’ve gotten a lot better about not struggling with this tendency as much as when I was younger. But, at times, I still fall into it. Gal 1:10 is a great verse to cling to! Thanks for sharing it!
This is great advice, Jeanne! I have definitely struggled with people-pleasing too. I still sometimes have to make myself stop and consider what I really think rather than just automatically giving the answer I know people want to hear, but I am getting better at saying what I think. I agree, security in our identity in God really helps – knowing that it is his opinion that matters the most and that he loves us as we are.
Lesley, overcoming those people-pleasing tendencies takes a renewing of our minds and a new understanding of our worth. And, it requires us, as you’ve shared, to stop and think about how we really should answer a request/demand/question. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I can see the link-up when I’m on my phone but not when I’m on my laptop – no idea why!
I’m not sure why, Lesley, but it seems like coming in through a different browser can be helpful with this. NOT sure why some people aren’t seeing the link up button this week! 🤷♀️ Thank you for being here nonetheless!
Definitely people pleasing is something I must overcome. Even as a child, I desperately wanted people to like me. I appreciate your thoughts here. Much to mull over!
(Am I blind? I cannot find a link button for Tell His Story. I couldn’t find one last week either!)
Jerralea, between last week’s post and this one, I’m seeing 1) that a lot of people deal with people-pleasing tendencies, 2) some people don’t deal with them at all, and 3) for some, it’s a life-long journey to overcome this. But, as we know, with God—with His grace and patience—we can be overcomers. I appreciate your thoughts here!
I’m so glad He made us each a unique expression of Himself, Jeanne, it is such a freeing realization!
SO true, Lisa!
2 Corinthians 5:9 became my mantra and I never looked back –
‘We make it our goal to please Him.’
Everyone else took a back seat.
And this saved my life.
Linda, what a great verse! Yes, when we make it our goal to please our Father, everyone else does take a back seat. Wisely said, my friend!
Don’t care who might like me,
know sure that cancer don’t,
and thus I find a victory
in making sure I won’t
try to be PC and pleasing,
’cause I’m marked anyway to die.
This is now my Freedom Season,
and I don’t have to live a lie.
So take all of the tolerance
that’s by gentle folk expected.
To me that’s moral somnolence,
to be called out, then rejected,
and if I’m cancelled, get no pass,
the whole wide world can kiss my…uh, donkey.
Andrew, I loved both your poem and your twist in the final line. 😉 When we don’t live to be accepted by others, we can stand for what God has created us for. We don’t have to worry about people “canceling” us because the One who matters most always sees and accepts us. You and Barb are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend.