I don’t know about you, but I sometimes still struggle when it comes to calming conflict. But conflict accompanies relationships.
Hubs and I hadn’t been married very long before we realized conflict is a natural part of relationships. And yes, I learned that the hard way. I’d seen my parents fight when I was growing up. And, they’d managed to work through disagreements and even thrive as they navigated their differences.
Though I anticipated some disagreements after we said, “I do,” I didn’t expect we’d fight over the best way to hang pictures on the wall. This was one of the first fights I remember. I insisted my way was best. Hubs insisted his was. In the process of deciding where pictures in our first home should hang, we ended up frustrated with each other.
Looking back, I realize the way I pushed my ideas felt disrespectful to him. Understanding his “respect language” has been an ongoing lesson. I sometimes say and do things that feel disrespectful to him. I may not be wrong in the point I want to convey, but I go about it in a hurtful way.
We each need to discover and understand what speaks love or respect to our spouses. I mean this in a healthy way, not that a woman should subject herself to an abusive husband in the name of “respect.” See the resources I’ve shared below if you have questions about the differences I’m trying to depict here.
***Note: I’m not a licensed counselor. I’m sharing from a layperson’s perspective.
Important things to consider for calming conflict
Being human means we will face conflict with other humans in our lives. Someone once said, “If two people always agree, one of them is unnecessary.”
10 How To’s for Calming Conflict with Those We Love—Being human means we will face conflict with other humans in our lives. Conflict is a part of being in relationship #calmingconflict #tellhisstory #relationships Click To TweetSometimes the most heated fights come with the people we love the most . . . both because we (ideally) feel safe to be real with them and because, well, we love them. Often, the people we most love hold the greatest capacity to hurt us deeply. For this reason, it’s wise to know some do’s and don’t’s when it comes to calming conflict.
The Don’ts of Calming Conflict:
- Give in to the other person simply to avoid fighting. If this is a habit you have, take time to pray and determine the WHY behind this pattern. When we understand the why behind an action/habit, we can make healthy changes in how we process conflict.
- Make conflict personal by accusing the other person or criticizing their character.
- Avoid conflict by changing the subject, running away, or pretending a disagreement didn’t happen. Trying to sidestep disagreements only leads to deeper hurt and resentment in both hearts. We must be willing to face conflict head on wearing a helmet of grace. Meaning, we’re willing to offer grace in the middle of our differences.
Healthy Ways to Navigate Conflict:
- Pray. As soon as we realize we’re facing a fight, asking God to guide our emotions and our words can help us to not lose control of ourselves if things become heated.
- For couples, understanding how you two do conflict helps. Hubs and I tend to discuss things, and sometimes, voices raise a bit. On occasion, we need to take a break and come back to finish our discussion later. Usually our conflicts stay relatively calm. Some couples find it helpful to let the voices raise, hash out the issues, and then move forward. The key is to watch words in the midst of the “intense moments of fellowship.” Learning how you and your spouse effectively work through the issues is important for a lasting relationship.
- Knowing our spouse’s (or our child’s or our friends’) love language can inform how we handle conflict . . . don’t stomp on their hearts in the process of working through the issue.
Ways to Engage:
- Set boundaries on what is/is not acceptable during a fight. Hubs and I agreed early on sarcasm had no place in our marriage and especially not in conflict situations. We work to not accuse the other person or throw word daggers.
- Try to see the issue from the other person’s perspective. Sometimes, this is tricky when I’m dealing with a heated issue with one of our sons. But seeking to understand their side in a matter makes a difference in how I respond. Asking clarifying questions often opens the door to understanding.
- Listen. Even if the other person’s words or tone sound disrespectful, if we listen without interrupting, this speaks love or affirmation. It can also give us insight into the root of the conflict.
- Share our thoughts using “I” statements. “I” statements convey our perspective. “You” statements often sound accusing. Being aware of our tone can inform how we receive from and respond to the other person.
Final thoughts:
When we find ourselves in a fight with someone, let’s ask God to help us see them through His eyes and love them with His love. Though we may feel hurt in the moment, remembering we care for this person can influence our words and actions. Choosing affirming words— seeking-to-understand words—can diffuse conflict more quickly than rising to the anger the other person conveys.
10 How To’s for Calming Conflict with Those We Love—Choosing affirming words—seeking-to-understand words—can diffuse conflict more quickly than rising to the anger the other person conveys #calmingconflict #tellhisstory… Click To TweetI’m not encouraging anyone to deny their emotions or valid points. Sometimes, we must decide if it’s more important to be right or to be right with Jesus. When we choose humility (but not being a doormat!) instead of reacting in pride or with a need to be right, we show love to the other person.
And about hanging pictures? My husband has a knack for knowing the best places on the wall for them. And he’s way better at hanging them up straight, so I’ve learned to trust his judgment on this.
What about you? Do you have a tip to add to this list for calming conflict? What is one lesson you’ve learned when it comes to calming conflict?
I didn’t cover this in the post, but for women who are in abusive situations, here are a couple of resources:
What constitutes abuse? Click here for relationship expert Leslie Vernick’s clear-cut guidance on what constitutes physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse. And you can find help at The National Domestic Violence Hotline here
Come share your story at the Tell His Story linkup. Connect and be encouraged by like-minded friends! #tellhisstory #linkup Click To TweetMost weeks, I link up with Grace and Truth, Anita Ojeda, Instaencouragements, and sometimes Let’s Have Coffee. Come join and read more encouraging posts!
Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
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Lol, Jeanne, my husband and I have that same conflict about hanging pictures. I like to “eyeball” it and he’s into using a level. Each time we move, it’s been a challenge. Now we settle it by deciding on a basic spot or arrangement together, and then I leave so he can get out the level!! These were great ideas for resolving conflict, not by avoiding it, but by tuning into the other’s needs. Thank you!
Kathy, I’m so glad I’m not alone in that!! 😉 I tend to be one who eyeballs it too. But, if my husband wants to help make things look beautiful, I’ll happily accept his willing hands. I love the way you and your husband have decided works for hanging pictures. 🙂
So much wisdom here, Jeanne. I think our first fight as a married couple involved choosing the photos for our wedding album. (Groan.) One thing I’ve had to learn—and am still learning, I think—is that the way our spouses were raised can have a big influence on the way they handle conflict. Even after almost 28 years, I still have lots of room to improve when it comes to listening and letting things go that need to be let go!
Isn’t it crazy what we find ourselves fighting about?! I completely agree . . . the way our spouses (and we) were raised will impact how we do conflict. I’m still learning too. Having lots of together time this week with two snow days has brought out each of our “not so pretty/gracious/kind” sides. I’ll join you in being intentional to listen and let some things go.
Such a great article. I think the biggest lessons I have learned is that conflict is not bad or something to be afraid of. And not taking what is said during a conflict personally and try and win. I heard the saying, “If one of you wins, the marriage loses.” You want to both leave the conflict feeling heard and satisfied with the solution. Which usually means compromise on both sides.
As for hanging pictures, my husband needs two tape measures, a pencil, painter’s tape, a level, and one picture. The whole thing is a mathematical equation that takes 27 minutes. Me, I eyeball it, pound a nail and hang the picture. Time needed = 3 minutes. The patience involved on my part when we hang a picture is intense. I once visited an artist friend who hangs pictures like me. We hung all her artwork throughout her new house in a matter of minutes. While visiting my sister last month she asked me to hang up the three new pictures we had chosen for her bedroom. Wouldn’t you know it, she pulled out two tape measures, a yardstick, a tape measure, a pencil, tape, and a level. Two hours later we were done. I kept thinking if her and my husband had married, hanging one picture would take them all day!!!
Theresa, it took me a long time to be comfortable with the idea that conflict isn’t bad. And that saying about if one person wins, the marriage loses is spot on. I grinned at your husband hanging pictures story. That may be the way my honey hangs pictures. Maybe. 😉
Lots of great suggestions here, Jeanne! I think one of the hardest things to understand and navigate as wives is your point about sounding disrespectful to our husbands. So often, it’s not our intention and takes time to really understand it all. Nancy DeMoss Wolgamuth has a great challenge going on right now that speaks directly to this. You can find it at https://www.reviveourhearts.com/.
By the way, I loved this statement, “I’m not encouraging anyone to deny their emotions or valid points. Sometimes, we must decide if it’s more important to be right or to be right with Jesus.” As my husband says, “amen” or “oh me!”
Blessings!
Donna, thanks for your encouragement. I completely agree with you about how tricky, yet how essential, it is for us wives to understand what speaks respect/disrespect to our husbands. Thank you for sharing Nancy DeMoss Wolgamuth’s challenge. It looks like a good one.
One thing I’ve learned lately that has really helped me in this season (to break some old, not helpful conflict engagement habits), is to make sure the other person KNOWS I’m listening by staying quiet until they finish talking, and then to immediately say, “I hear you saying—” and repeating back to them what I heard them say. After they affirm or clarify that I got it right, I then say, “When I hear this I feel—“. This has really helped me because I tend to be arguing ten strands out (anticipating what I think the other person means and shoring up arguments to what I think they might be getting at but haven’t got at yet–which does nothing but muddy waters.
Anita, YES. When someone feels heard it makes such a difference in how conflict situations can flow. I love your suggestion to just listen and then repeat back to make sure you understood what they were saying. I’ve had to learn to not anticipate what the other person may say too. Such a good perspective. Thank you for sharing, friend.
Understanding the Love and respect dynamic in a marriage is crucial. Great words here.
Yes and amen, Lauren. My relationship with my hubs and sons has definitely changed for the better when I understand that respect (or lack of) will impact conflict situations.
Great tips Jeanne, knowing your loved one’s response to conflict is another way we can work things out together.
Some will stand & fight, others will take flight avoiding conflict at all costs & others will freeze not knowing how to respond often going very quiet. Similar to danger responses.
A natural personal response can also be altered by abuse. So I’m glad you included resources defining that.
Great post my friend!
Bless you,
Jennifer
Jennifer, your words about knowing how our loved ones respond to conflict is wise. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
You’re most welcome Jeanne.
One way to help calm conflict is to pause before speaking. Sometimes silence is best. 🙂
Melissa, so much wisdom in your words. Pausing is pretty much always a great first response. And yes, there are times when silence is the better answer.
This is great advice, Jeanne! I’ve definitely had a tendency to avoid conflict in the past and just give in to the other person but I don’t do that so much now. I heard a couple give a talk on this a few years ago and one thing that stuck with me was an illustration they shared. First they stood facing each other and said that in conflict we often see ourselves as being against the other person. Then they sat side by side and said that a better way to deal with it is to sit side by side and try to sort out the problem together, recognising that although we might disagree on the particular issue we’re really on the same side.
Lesley, my first inclination is to avoid conflict too. Teenaged sons are curing me of that tendency. 🙂 I LOVE that illustration of how to face situations and seeing each as partners working through the situation together. Thank you so much for sharing that here!
Dear Jeanne … oh this is so personal and timely. Thanks for that nudge toward calming conflict. If ever we needed to read your wise words, it’s right about now when many are just about at their wits end.
Awww, friend. Thank you for your encouragement. And you’re right. There’s so much conflict around us, and even within our families. We need to navigate conflict situations with God’s guidance and grace. I’m thankful for you, friend.
Such wise insight and helpful advice here, Jeanne. Thank you. I can’t stand conflict, so I’m afraid I far too often disregard my own opinion and keep silent to avoid any conflict with others. But I’m learning. 🙂 Yes, that helmet of grace and seeing others through God’s eyes and with His love is so important. Thanks also for your kind heart towards those who are in abusive relationships by adding Leslie Vernick’s link to what constitutes abuse. It’s happening more often than many people realize. Love and blessings to you!
Trudy, sometimes it feels easier to avoid conflict. I don’t like when I’m at odds with someone I care about, or with anyone, if I’m honest. But, there are times when we need to share our perspective, when we need to honor ourselves by standing up and honor others by being there as they air their concerns. The biggest challenge is doing this in healthy ways, isn’t it? I’m sending love and blessings back, my friend!
Conflict is as conflict does,
it heals (yes!) or it shatters,
but for me it is what was,
and it no longer matters.
I’m stuck now in the dead man’s groove,
and cancer’s clipped my wings,
and thus I do not need to prove,
well, Bubba, anything,
so I’ll be cool with what you do,
it just ain’t worth the fight
that in days past we’d put us through
just to show who’s right.
Let it go, now, let it pass,
and let’s us neither be an ass.
Andrew, you bring a wise perspective to this topic. Conflict isn’t always the most important thing in light of other, big-impact circumstances in our lives. Your last line is such a great exhortation to conduct ourselves with grace in conflicts.
I’m praying for you and Barb, my friend.
“If two people always agree, one of them is unnecessary.” Haha! I like that statement. When my kids fought, I would say “At least they have a relationship.” I recognize my tendency to reframe (also being a 7 on the Ennegram wheel helped me recognize this) to the positive, or side-step conflict by lightening up the situation when what is called for is to stay in the conflict as that validates the other person and their concerns. Great post!
Lynn, having the gift of being able to reframe a situation isn’t all bad. 🙂 And side-stepping conflict feels like the easier solution sometimes. But it’s not always better, eh? It’s uncomfortable to stay in the conflict, but you’re so right. Doing so validates the other person and their concerns. Great insight!
Jeanne, Thank you for these great suggestions. At times I have problems with boundary setting. Sometimes it’s hard for me to practice discernment in the heat of the moment, with catching myself enough to bring my head back to level, so that I can discern thoughtfully. I gleaned many insights from your message today. Blessings.
Paula, setting boundaries can be so difficult. And yes, in the heat of the moment, we have to be careful not to let emotion rule discernment. I’ve operated on both sides of that equation. Thank you for your encouraging words, friend.
Fabulous post, Jeanne, and excellent advice. Advice I wish I’d known long ago! My husband thinks the thing we do best is argue, and it seems that way sometimes, but truly conflict is a part of life. The important part is that we navigate it in God honoring ways. The biggest conflict my husband and I often face is pushing our own agenda too much. And I must admit my husband also knows the best places and arrangement for hanging pictures on the wall!
Donna, I’m grinning at what you’ve shared, and nodding my head in agreement, especially about working through conflict in God-honoring ways. Thank goodness for husbands with a good eye for hanging pictures on the wall. 😉
Your line, “We must be willing to face conflict head on wearing a helmet of grace,” really spoke to me. In my natural state, I do anything to avoid conflict. I realize this is not healthy!
Jerralea, I think many of us would rather avoid conflict. Yup, I’m raising my hand here. But, when we enter it with graciousness—in our thoughts, words, and actions—it can go better than if we enter it blazing into the situation. May the Lord continue to teach us how to “do conflict well.”
It can be such a struggle to find the right balance between when to speak up and when to be quiet when there are things we disagree on. Just last night I was faced with the situation. I chose to speak up. It went so-so. 😉
This is so important: “Learning how you and your spouse effectively work through the issues is important for a lasting relationship.” We’re still figuring that out. It can shift in subtle ways in new seasons, so I have to be open to learn again and again. Great advice here, Jeanne!
Lisa, I completely agree. I sometimes struggle staying quiet when I need to. Not that I need to have the last word, but I find I want to make sure I’ve accurately conveyed my point. And of course, that always goes well with my husbands and sons, who don’t like when I repeat things . . . I’m learning (slowly) when to not engage or disengage in conflict. There are times for each. I’m in the same camp, as our family changes dynamics with growing-up sons, communicating (and conflict) will look different. Being open to learn again is key.
Oh, this is such good advice. It’s just hard to remember all of this when I’m in a middle of a conflict. ha ha! Thanks for the party.
Amy, I know! It can be hard to remember how to do conflict well when we’re in the middle of it. May we both grow better in this. 🙂
One thing I have learned is that it’s often not WHAT I say, but rather HOW I say it…
Yes and AMEN, Michele!
Jeanne, no matter how long we’ve been married, it is always good to be reminded of healthy ways to resolve conflict. It’s amazing how the simple things in life can become such an issue. For you, it’s the hanging of pictures. Here it is boiling a pound of macaroni without making it boil over all atop the stove 🙂 Lower the heat … and perhaps that is also the way to calm a conflict 🙂
You’re right, Joanne. Sometimes, we do allow the simple things to become an issue. I may have grinned about the “simple issue” is in your home. 🙂 Lower the heat . . . such helpful advice in many facets of life and relationship. 🙂
We’re on the same wave length this week—I wrote about ways to disagree without tearing each other down. You brought up a lot of great points I missed.
I’m looking forward to reading your post, Barbara! If we’re in relationship, we WILL disagree. But, if we can do that without tearing the person down? That’s a win.
One tip I use for calming conflict is keeping the person and the problem separate. This looks like laser focusing on the problem without dragging the person into it. So, instead of attaching bad feelings to the entire individual, focus on the problem as a single conduct or combination of circumstances. For example, if the conflict is about a friend not showing up for me in a friendship, I focus on that instead of destroying the person. When the conflict is addressed, it would focus on discussing friendship and what it means and how it looks instead of attacking the person. So we attack the problem and not the person.
Yvonne, this is a crucial tip. I so appreciate your description of focusing on the problem with dragging the person into it. Thank you for sharing your practical example of how we can do this. Spot on! I love your thoughts here.