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It’s hard to ask for forgiveness after we’ve done the wronging, isn’t it?
Many years ago, I betrayed the confidences that two people entrusted to me. Though I could justify my reason for sharing at the time, the Holy Spirit convicted me about my loose lips. I rationalized that my two friends never needed to know what I’d done. No, that wasn’t one of my shining moments.
But that’s not how God operates. His Spirit pressed on my heart to the point that it was hard to breathe deep, and I couldn’t face either of these women. God impressed the need to ask for forgiveness. I delayed obedience for a time. It was going to be shaming to confess what I’d done.
Granted, this isn’t a “big” offense, but I had knowingly sinned against these two women.
How do we ask for forgiveness when we’ve done the “wronging”?
We need to align our thoughts and our hearts with God.
Heart Work
- First, we own our sin before the Lord and ask for His forgiveness. God already knows what we’ve done. But, confessing to Him renews our fellowship. We need to be right with Him first because He’s our Father. And He can pave the way for renewed relationship or reconciliation with others.
- Humble ourselves.When we’ve sinned against someone, we can justify our actions, like I did. This is pride. Whether or not we had just cause for our actions, if we’ve wronged someone, we need to make it right. And this requires humility.
- Pray for both hearts. Before we ask for forgiveness from someone, pray for the other person’s heart and for ours. Asking for forgiveness is uncomfortable. We’re admitting we did something that hurt the other person in some way. When hurt feelings are present, hearts need extra, supernatural tending. Invite the Lord into the conversation.
Taking Action
- Talk with the other person and ask for forgiveness. Be honest and specific about what we’ve done. When we choose not to give an explanation of the why behind our actions, it’s powerful. Something happens when we own our actions. The other person doesn’t need to be defensive because we’re not justifying our wrong. It’s okay—even good—to think out in advance how we want to ask for forgiveness. If it helps to say the words out loud, do so.
- Release our expectations. When we leave the results of the conversation up to the Lord, it’s easier to accept whatever the other person’s response is.
- Give the other person time to process and respond. Especially when hurt runs deep, the other person may not be quick to forgive. They may become angry. Don’t become defensive. They may need time to determine their response to us. God’s word says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.” (Romans 12;18, NASB). When we are obedient to ask for forgiveness, we’ve done our part. It’s God’s role to help the other person come to the place where they can forgive . . . however long that takes.
- Choose love and kindness, regardless of if the other person says, “I forgive you,” a loving response affirms our commitment to repentance and change.
- If we need to make things right somehow, do so. Whether this requires monetary compensation, replacing something we broke or ruined, or another action, making amends goes a long way in restoring relationship and showing we are sincere.
Do’s and don’ts when we ask for forgiveness
- Don’t ask for forgiveness over text. Do it in person, if possible. Facing the person we’ve wronged adds authenticity to the gesture.
- Don’t do so when emotions still run high. When we’ve aligned our hearts with the Lord, we’ll handle the conversation better than if we’re still in the middle of high emotion.
- Do find a time for the conversation that is as distraction-free as possible
- Do express sincerity when we talk with the person
I went on to speak individually with each of the women I had hurt. I confessed what I had done and asked them to forgive me. One friendship ended as a result of my poor choice. I had to let that go. The other woman forgave me and showed it by continuing to trust me with her friendship.
I received the freedom and grace that come from forgiveness offered. When we are honest after wronging someone and they forgive us, relationships can grow in trust and depth as a result of our honesty.
Q4U: How do you prepare your heart when you need to ask for forgiveness? What would you add to my list?
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Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
Jean, thank you for that reminder not to have important heart-level conversations on text. Or any other medium that was only designed to send along info. Been there, done that. And it doesn’t end well.
I mean Jeanne!
;-}
Linda, I appreciate the way you differentiate the mediums designed to pass on information rather than to engage on deeper levels. Sometimes things have to be done via text, but hopefully, that’s not our first option.
What a practical and biblical explanation of how to seek forgiveness and the importance of it!
Donna, thanks for your encouragement!
Theses are such insightful ways to first admit when we’ve wronged someone and then how to ask for forgiveness. Thank you, Jeanne.
Thanks so much for stopping by, friend!
Jeanne, thank you for sharing these 8 how to’s and actions to take to do so. Asking for forgiveness is so important. I have the most difficulty forgiving myself though.
Paula, asking for forgiveness IS important. I’m with you . . . it’s hard to forgive myself. Thank goodness God can help us with that!
Wow, Jeanne … this kind of guidance, straight from the trenches of experience, is so valuable. I can imagine how much courage it took for you to ask your friends to forgive you, and I’m sorry that one did not. Oh, the lessons you learned, though. This one, especially: “When we choose not to give an explanation of the why behind our actions, it’s powerful.” So hard, but so liberating if we can just say I’m sorry and stop it there. Hugs, friend.
Thanks for your kind words, Lois. I learned a lot of lessons through that experience, for sure. I imagine each of us has learned various lessons about forgiveness, yes? Thanks so much for stopping by!
I think I’ve asked forgiveness by way of every medium!!!
Susan, me too. 🙂 They’re each acceptable, right?
It’s always a challenge to admit when we have been in the ‘wrong’ to those we have wronged but it is necessary to grow in the Lord.
Thank you for sharing so openly with us here Jeanne.
Bless you,
Jennifer
Jennifer, you’re right in all you said. Thanks for your encouragement. 🙂
I love that your how-tos are overlaid with scripture! Great post.
Thanks, Lauren. I always appreciate your words here!
Jeanne,
I really need to work on “releasing my expectations.” When I apologized and asked for forgiveness and didn’t receive it, it was hard to take. Had I not humbled myself? Had I not owned my actions? What was wrong with my apology? Sometimes we’ll just never know why — like in the case of your friends — one chooses to forgive and the other does not. I suppose that’s when we really need to leave it in God’s hands when we’ve done all we can do. Great reminders!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Bev, sometimes, we can do everything the way the Lord instructs, but we can’t control the other person’s response. That’s when we have to yield our desires and hopes into God’s hands, don’t we? I’m sorry you’ve walked through that, friend. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story here.
This is so insightful, Jeanne. Thank you for sharing your own experience. Even those struggles of listening to God and humbling yourself however shaming it made you feel. That makes it all the more powerful. I’m sorry you lost one of those friends though. I’m glad the other friend was gracious and forgiving. Thank you for this encouragement and guidance. Love and blessings to you!
Trudy, sometimes we learn best from others’ experiences, don’t we? I’m sorry I lost one of those friendships too. The other friend was very gracious, and for that I’ve been thankful. Love and blessings back, sweet friend!
An important message for all. Forgiveness for others and for self.
Good words, Melissa!
Lot’s of good advice here, Jeanne, especially the “do’s and don’t’s”. Approaching forgiveness from the wrong posture can actually makes things worse!
Donna, you are right. We need to approach forgiveness from the right posture. Sadly, I’ve done it both ways, and choosing to invite God to work in and prepare my heart has always yielded a much better result, at least in terms of how my heart handled the interactions.
Asking for forgiveness is one of the hardest things we ever do (is granting forgiveness harder or easier? I’m not sure!). These are great pieces of advice, Jeanne. I’ve recently asked for forgiveness and it took a lot of humility before the Lord before I could do it.
Lisa, yes, I know about the humility piece. It can be hard to get our hearts into that space. I’m so glad the Lord enabled you to ask for forgiveness. I hope it turned out well.
Wonderful advice!!
I now have some new tools in my toolbox.
Thank you
Barb, I’m so glad you found some encouragement here! Thanks so much for stopping by. 🙂
My pleasure.
Finally added my link-up this morning. I got sidetracked yesterday.🙃
Yay! I have those days too, Barbara. 🙂
Asking for forgiveness can be as hard as granting it. We hate to admit our own sin. Good to remember when someone needs our forgiveness.
Agreed, Deb. Asking for and granting forgiveness each take their own brand of humility. Love your thoughts here.
Such great advice! That is so sad you lost one friend over this incident. I recently reconnected with an old friend, we had lost touch with each other for years over a FB fight over something stupid. I felt led by the Lord to apologize and reconnect with her. Because we hadn’t spoken in years, I sent her a long message (yes, I texted) and she forgave me and we’re good friends again. I can’t believe I let so many years go without trying to make things right with her.
Amy, how wonderful that you were able to reconnect with an old friend. It’s crazy what we sometimes allow to divide our hearts from others. I am so glad you had the chance to reconnect and rekindle your friendship. And . . . there are definitely times where texting is the best route. I’m so glad this worked for you. 🙂
Asking for forgiveness is so important, Jeanne! And forgiving ourselves and receiving God’s forgiveness is important in moving forward in our growth as a person.
I completely agree with you, Lisa. We do grow as we forgive ourselves and others. Receiving God’s forgiveness takes its own degree of humility sometimes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
These are all great tips. One more I’d add is to do it as soon as possible. I agree very much that we need to wait on the Lord’s timing and freedom from distractions. But in the past I had a tendency to put apologizing off, and that just made it harder and more awkward. Plus, then I had this thing hanging over me much longer than necessary. There have been times I waited so long, the person had no idea what I was talking about.
Barbara, your addition to the list is spot on. Yes, doing so sooner rather than later saves much angst for our hearts. Thanks for the add!
This post has made me want to renew my efforts to stick close to the Lord’s prayer first thing in the morning. Forgiving and confessing… Forgiving and confessing…
Michele, what a great practice—to pray the Lord’s prayer first thing each morning!
These are wonderful tips—I struggle with pride and it’s taken me years to learn how to call myself out. I especially like the advice to pray for both hearts. Learning to live at peace with others is preparation for heaven 😊.
Anita, I struggle with pride too. I wish I could say it in the past tense, but . . . I can’t. It still pokes its head up at the worst times. I loved what you said about how learning to live at peace with others is preparation for heaven. Beautiful!