How many of us know how to forgive someone? Let’s be honest, forgiving can be hard.
Some of us are familiar with the story of Corrie ten Boom, who, after she was released from Ravensbrück, began speaking about her story and forgiveness. At a church in Munich, a man came up to her and extended his hand. She recognized him as one of the most vicious guards in the camp. He explained how, after the war, he’d become a Christian. Now he was asking for her forgiveness. Corrie couldn’t look him in the eye, much less shake his extended hand.
We’ve all faced times when we’re confronted with the choice of extending forgiveness—or not—we falter.
How to Forgive Someone–5 Mindsets and Heart-sets—We’ve all faced times when confronted with the choice of extending forgiveness—or not—we falter #tellhisstory #forgiveness #relationship Click To TweetHow to forgive someone who has hurt us
We need to acknowledge the hurt caused by someone else’s words or actions. Sometimes, it feels easier to brush off that pain. But, until we acknowledge it, that pain burrows into our hearts and thoughts, sowing bitterness and hardening our hearts toward the person. When we own the fact that we’ve been hurt, we can bring that to the Lord. He can begin healing within us.
At times when I’ve journaled things out. Or I’ve confided in a safe friend. Talking with a counselor or therapist is also helpful.
We need to discover what will help us to begin to deal with the hurt that’s been inflicted before we can truly forgive. And sometimes, this requires confronting that hurt many times, as often as the other person’s offense comes up in our thoughts or our hearts. Each time, we must talk with the Lord about it, pray about it, and release it into His hands. Forgiveness is a process that takes time. It’s rarely a one-time action.
Especially when the pain runs deep, we must ask God for help. There are times we simply can’t forgive in our own strength.
Forgiveness is an act of the will. We must choose to do this, even when we don’t “feel” like forgiving.
How to Forgive Someone–5 Mindsets and Heart-sets—Forgiveness is an act of the will. We must choose to do this, even when we don’t “feel” like forgiving #tellhisstory #forgiveness #relationship Click To Tweet
How to forgive someone—mindsets and heart-sets
**I share these thoughts as a layperson, not as a professional therapist.
Forgiveness begins when we determine in our minds and hearts we will choose forgiveness.
Choose humility
When we remember for how much God has forgiven us, it’s easier to be humble in our view the person who hurt us. Especially when the pain comes through something as damaging as abuse, it’s tempting to hold that pain over the other person. But, when we remember our perfect heavenly Father has forgiven us of our every sin, we have a framework that enables our hearts to come to the place of forgiving.
Let go of the need to be right
When we feel we are right and the other person is wrong, we’re unable to view them through Jesus’ eyes. We won’t see our need to forgive them. And we both lose. When we ask God to help us see the other person through His eyes, we’ll come to the place where we can forgive.
Pray for a heart that’s willing to forgive
Rarely are we immediately ready to release the pain and offer forgiveness to the other person. When we find ourselves holding onto hurts, we must ask God for a heart that is soft enough to forgive.
Choose forgiveness, even if the other person never acknowledges what they’ve done or asks for forgiveness
Is this difficult? Yes! But, when we determine we will forgive, our hearts and minds are shielded from bitterness’ poison. Forgiveness is for us more than for the other person.
Remember God is clear about forgiveness
We are forgiven by Him to the degree that we forgive the other person.
Is forgiving others easy? No, for so many reasons. God doesn’t call us to easy, He calls us to obedience. How to forgive someone? Ask God for help. When we ask, He will help us. When we are weak, He is strong in us.
Conclusion
The act of forgiveness often takes time for our hearts and minds to come into alignment with God’s will. It’s always His will that we forgive. As we work through our emotions—as we choose to align our heart with God’s—He will enable us to forgive.
Corrie ten Boom stood before that man, wrestling with the thought of forgiving this Nazi officer who had been so cruel. She knew she had to forgive; she’d been forgiven over and over again. She prayed, asking God to enable her to forgive this man. And it was in the calling out to her Savior that she was able to shake this former S. S. officer’s hand and speak her “I forgive you.”
In times when choosing to forgive feels beyond us, let’s follow Corrie ten Boom’s example—remember we’ve been forgiven of much, and ask God to enable us to forgive. This is where healing begins.
What about you? When have you found it difficult to forgive? What would you add to this list for how to forgive someone?
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Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
that constant need to be right will be what does us in. at least for me. thanks for this wisdom, friend …
Me too, Linda. I’ve had many conversations about my need to be right. Sigh. Thank goodness we are daughters of a patient Father!
Forgiveness is definitely a process that takes time and much prayer. Sometimes, when you think you’ve forgiven someone, something will remind you of the incident and you feel the pain and anger all over again.
Yes, Kathy. I’ve found forgiveness is a process where we must choose and remember over and over that we have chosen to forgive those who hurt us, especially when those reminders of the pain crop back up in our memories.
Jeanne, asking God for help—over and over again—seems to be a key part of this. Your advice to ask Him to give us a heart that is willing to forgive is so good … and if we feel we can’t honestly pray this, we can start the conversation there—He already knows anyway. And a big amen to this: “God doesn’t call us to easy. He calls us to obedience.”
Lois, please forgive my late response…thanks for your encouraging words. I’m so glad our Father helps us when we ask, so that we can obey and choose forgiveness for those who hurt us.
Thank you, Jeanne. I like how you said forgiveness is an act of the will. I learned long ago that if I wait until the feeling’s there, I’d probably never forgive. Journaling and counseling are God sends for me when it comes to forgiveness. Especially when the hurt runs deep or it comes from a repeat offender. Also, I proclaim it out loud daily. I forgive______. This is helpful along with asking the Lord to help me forgive.
Karen, I so appreciate you sharing what has helped you. Journaling has been important for me too. And seeing a counselor. I really like the idea of declaring out loud, “I forgive ___.” That’s a good audible reminder. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
For me, forgiving a big wound can sometimes be a fake it until you make it endeavor. I make the choice to forgive – and I keep making that choice every day as I pray and eventually have eliminated all ill will or bad feelings from my heart. Thank you for writing about it as a process. I think it’s easy for Christians to feel shame associated with hard feelings that linger!
Oh, Lauren. Yes, forgiveness is most certainly a process. I’ve done what you shared…reminding myself I’d decided to forgive until my feelings came in line with my decision. Yes, Christians do tend to feel shame when they struggle with forgiving completely.
Being able to forgive is sometimes so hard and because we are called to forgive, humility is vital. Oh, sometimes it is all hard. But I want to forgive and know that I will be free from guilt and a need to hold onto something that may only be hurting me. Forgive and forgive again. Jesus stands with me when I do. For Him, I am so grateful.
Linda, humility is challenging , especially when it comes to forgiving someone who’s hurt us. But being free from guilt and holding onto the hurt is worth choosing a humble mindset. I love your reminder that Jesus stands with us when we choose to forgive.
Living a life of forgiveness takes humility (recognizing that we ourselves have done things that need forgiving) – and the practice of forgiveness. You break it down so very well. You write this: “Choose forgiveness, even if the other person never acknowledges what they’ve done or asks for forgiveness” – that is probably the greatest practice. I’ve learned that I just have to give the gift of forgiveness. It’s like it’s there in a box, ready in case they ever come to pick it up – yet, it’s not my job to get them to ask for it(because sometimes they never do) – it is just my job to forgive! That realization was life changing.
Maryleigh, I love your description of forgiveness and choosing to forgive, even if the other person never asks. It is a gift we can have at the ready. And our hearts don’t have to get wrapped up in the pain of holding onto the hurt the other person caused.
Forgiveness is important. I recently wrote an article on forgiving someone after they have passed away. Hard, but, needed.
Melissa, I think the forgiving of someone who has already passed sometimes adds a burden of regret. It is hard but needed. I’m sure your article addresses this in a sensitive, thoughtful way.
Forgiveness is so hard! For me, I always end up in situations where the other person never acklowledges any wrong doing nor asks for forgiveness. That’s the most difficult of all.
Amy, forgiveness IS hard. And it’s hard to forgive when the other person doesn’t acknowledge what they did that was hurtful. That’s where humility comes in. And trusting God deals with each person as He knows is right. It’s such a process, isn’t it?
I can think of one situation where I have a hard time forgiving due to the person continuing harmful actions (that they don’t see as harmful). And I have to remember I am not called to judge. It is God that gives the final judgement. And that is freeing!
Lynn, sometimes that’s the hardest part of it. Knowing that the other person may not see the harm in their words and actions can be frustrating and heart-hardening. In those times, I have to remind myself that God does see and He will deal with that person in the way He knows is best. It is freeing to rest in that truth.
The effects of unforgiveness are generational and devastating. Trusting God’s sovereignty and believing that he will work justice — even if I never see it…
We need grace for this.
SO true, Michele. We do need to trust God sovereignty will prevail and that He works justice, even if we never see it. I’m amen’ing the truth that we need grace to let Him act without our interference or need to know.
Corrie’s story helped me too Jeanne at a time I needed to forgive the unthinkable shared in my post Forgiving the Unthinkable;
https://teawithjennifer.blog/2020/08/07/revenge/
Blessings,
Jennifer
Jennifer, God does have a way of using story to help us make hard choices. Thanks for sharing your post.
That He does Jeanne 😊
It has helped me a lot to know that forgiveness is an act of the will, not a feeling. In time, God can heal even the feelings, but until then, by His grace, we can forgive. The fact that God has forgiven me so much softens my heart to forgive others.
Barbara, I agree. Remembering forgiveness is an action (of the will) and not a feeling reminds me I don’t have to “feel it” in order to make the choice to forgive. And I love how you point out the truth that God can heal the feelings. I’m beyond thankful for my Father’s forgiveness. This definitely helps me to choose to forgive when I may not want to.
Corrie ten Boom’s story has been in my thoughts these last few weeks as well. Her testimony is one that is not forgotten and continues to teach us all much. Forgiveness is not an easy act but remembering how much we have been forgiven, and how much more we will yet need forgiveness, we can make the right and necessary choice.
Joanne, I completely agree with the timelessness of Corrie ten Boom’s story. Your words have me nodding my head. Thanks for stopping by!