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Show of hands: how many of us have gotten tripped up by comparing ourselves to others in our lives?
In 2019, I attended a writer’s conference. I arrived confident and excited to pitch my story to editors and agents. But in less than a day, I’d fallen into the trap of comparing myself to others. Why had I been writing for so long and seemed to have made no forward progress while friends who began writing after me were multi-published and moving on in their writing career?
Self-condemning thoughts colored my entire conference experience. Meaning my moods, my attitudes, and my words all reflected my struggle with believing my value as a writer.
I’m guessing I’m not the only one who’s succumbed to this defeating condition. In my last post, I shared some of the whys for comparing ourselves to others. I won’t repeat that here.
What happens when comparing ourselves to others
Comparison sneaks into our thoughts in many ways. If we’ve read much about social comparison theory, we know social media may be one of the most destructive devices for tripping us into the comparison trap. When we slide down the dark hole of viewing our “ugly” held up against the light of others’ beauty, we come out wounded.
How to Stop Comparing Ourselves to Others—13 Brave Ways—Comparison sneaks into our thoughts in many ways. #tellhisstory #comparison Click To TweetNegative emotions crop up in our thoughts and hearts when we compare ourselves with others.
Guilt
Remorse
Insecurity
Defeat
And more.
These thoughts and emotions can lead to anxiety and depression. If we open up space for these emotions in our lives and hearts, they color every aspect of our lives.
How we can stop comparing ourselves to others
How to Stop Comparing Ourselves to Others—13 Brave Ways—we must shift our mindsets. This only happens when we’re honest with God. This is humbling. #tellhisstory #comparison Click To TweetFirst, we must shift our mindsets. This only happens when we’re honest with God. This is humbling. We must:
- Admit our struggle to see our worth through His eyes.
- Ask God for help with seeing ourselves the way He does: through eyes of love.
- Determine what in our lives encourages us to compare ourselves negatively.
- Understand what our strengths are and thank God for them. Focus on these rather than on our weaknesses.
When comparing and belittling thoughts enter our minds, speak truth. This may mean deciding in advance which truth we’ll speak to counter those thoughts.
Sometimes comparison happens because of what we view on social media, television, and online.
Comparison also crops up when undealt with issues from our past frame how we perceive our present circumstances.
We need to ask God for His perspective, to heal us, and to speak truth into the areas of our lives where lies shout at us.
Actions to take to stop comparing ourselves to others
- Encourage safe friends to speak truth to us. And we need to listen and ask God to help us reframe inaccurate thoughts
- When our thoughts are comparing or belittling, remember this: don’t say anything to ourselves that we wouldn’t say to a friend.
- Be thankful for what we have. Instead of wishing some aspect of ourselves or our lives was different, thank God for what He’s given us.
- Choose contentment. When we catch ourselves comparing, stop and remember God made us with our unique strengths, traits, and personality for a reason. I’m going to “math” here: Comparison = dissatisfaction with who we were designed to be
- Be aware of our triggers and remove those from our lives
- Limit the time we spend on social media. Also, create an uplifting feed by removing accounts that tempt us to compare. Find accounts that point our thoughts in healthier directions.
- Instead of comparing ourselves to others, let’s compare ourselves to our past selves. See where we’ve come from, decide where we want to go (with God’s guidance), and determine how to get there.
- Celebrate others’ victories. Taking our eyes off of what we don’t have and focusing on others’ achievements steals comparison’s power in our thoughts and hearts.
- Remember, where we are right now isn’t the final chapter. God is still writing our story.
It takes time to transform our mindsets from comparing ourselves to others to where we see ourselves through God’s eyes. We must choose to give ourselves grace when comparison trips us up again. The best thing is God will help us conform our thoughts to His. He’ll give us the ability to see beyond comparison if we’ll ask for His help.
Conclusion
Looking back at that writing conference, I missed opportunities to step outside of myself and encourage others. Instead, I threw a pity party with comparison as the guest of honor. I was so wrapped up in my unhealthy thoughts that I couldn’t enjoy the conference. Yuck.
Let’s practice kindness with ourselves and others. When we do this, we emulate God’s love for all those He’s created.
What about you? When it comes to comparing ourselves to others, what has helped you stop? What tips would you add to this list?
Next week, we’ll link up at Donna’s at Serenity and Suffering. Be sure to bookmark this so you can find it easily. 😊
Come share your story at the Tell His Story linkup. Connect and be encouraged by like-minded friends! #tellhisstory #linkup Click To TweetMost weeks, I link up with Grace and Truth, Inspire Me Monday, Instaencouragements, and Let’s Have Coffee. Come join and read more encouraging posts!
Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
Come share your story at the Tell His Story linkup. Connect and be encouraged by like-minded friends! #tellhisstory #linkup Click To TweetMost weeks, I link up with Grace and Truth, Inspire Me Monday, Instaencouragements, and Let’s Have Coffee. Come join and read more encouraging posts!
Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
I know how easy it can be to fall into comparison with others who are pursuing similar goals. I try to remember how God calls us to run our own race, and that the path He has us on is for His purposes only! When we compare, we take our eyes of God and stumble in insecurity. Our security is in God. I’m definitely a work in progress, and need to keep feeding my mind with words that teach me His truth of who I am. Wonderful post, Jeanne!
Lynn, remembering that God calls each of us to our own race sure helps with comparison! You’ve shared so much truth here. I’m a work in progress too, my friend. I so appreciate your thoughts!
Jeanne, your post made me think of Peter when Jesus told him how he would suffer for Him. He looked back at John and asked, “What about him?” Jesus said, “What has that to do with you?” I know I’m paraphrasing a bit. But God wants to use each of us in His own unique way. Yet sometimes knowing that doesn’t keep me from struggling with those comparisons. Thanks for so many great reminders about how we need to process those struggles.
Donna, I’ve thought a lot about Peter in John 21 too. First, I love Peter’s fearlessness in asking Jesus what he did about John. But I also appreciate Jesus’ redirection. How often I’ve needed that same kind of guidance from the Lord. I imagine many of us struggle with comparison off and on throughout our lives. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and encouragement!
I think I compared because I thought I just didn’t know how to do it right. What was I missing. Then I realized I only had to be responsible for the talents God gave me – not anyone else’s. I’m to be obedient – and trust Him to do the rest. That helped me step out of the comparison game – because I’m not necessarily called to do or do it any other person’s way:) You’ve given such good insight and encouragement for when the struggle slips in. It’s so important to be vigilant and intentional!
Maryleigh, I love what you said about understanding we only need to be responsible for the talents God’s given us. What a freeing truth! I’m thankful God doesn’t expect us to be like others. We’re each unique in our creation and purpose. Thanks for your encouragement, my friend!
Aw, Jeanne … I love this so much, probably because I can relate to so much of it! Your suggestions are so good. I especially appreciate the one about comparing ourselves to past versions of ourselves, rather than to other people. I need to remember this when I’m out on the trail and the cross country boys dash past me as I slog along at my usual pace. There was a time when I hated the thought of running down the street, and now I enjoy running outside much more than using the treadmill. It’s fun to look back and see actual progress, isn’t it?
Jeanne, thanks for the reminder that moving out of this place of comparison is being honest and transparent with the only One who can empower us to move ahead without regrets and doubts and what-ifs. Amen to your wise words, friend.
xo
Linda,it can be challenging to move out of a place of comparison, ca’t it? I am thankful the Lord is a safe place where we can be transparent about every aspect of our lives and heart. Thank goodness He helps us handle our regrets, doubts, and what-ifs. Thank you for your encouragement, my friend!
It’s so hard to remember to stay in our own lane and live the life we’ve been given versus looking around at what seems easier in other people’s lives. We just rarely know what’s really going on there. 🙂 Every life has its challenges. Thanks for these tips on how to stop comparing ourselves. This will be the featured post at my blog tomorrow for the Grace & Truth linkup!
Lisa, oh man, do I have trouble staying in my own lane sometimes! You’re so right. We rarely know the deeps behind a person’s actions or words. Whether those actions or words come from a place of hurt or insecurity or something else. Every life does have its challenges. God knows what each of us needs to become more like Jesus. Better that we give grace to others, especially when we don’t understand the why behind words or actions. Thank you so much for featuring this post! I’m truly humbled. And, I’m truly thankful for you.
Yeah, OK, it’s really s***,
and auguries are looking bad.
If normal, I might have a fit
but being me, I’m feeling glad
that cancer caught me, here and now,
and demanded quite a change
in how I put hand to the plow
and helped me to arrange
the life I had, and life to come,
the ego that held sway.
What was true when I was young
has now gone away
to the borders of infinity
where all the drongos envy me.
Andrew, I love your perspective. Cancer and other seemingly insurmountable hardships can do an unintended (by the enemy of our souls) work of shifting our perspective and seeing things through the lens of eternity. When we look to the work God is doing in and through us, our Father, not our enemy, gains the victory. Thank you for sharing this poem. It really speaks to me! I’m praying for you and Barb, my friend.
Jeanne, thanks for sharing your wisdom and heart here. Comparison is toxic and what a lovely world it will be when we no longer compare but celebrate each other. Thank goodness we have the Holy Spirit to help us.
Deborah, comparison is indeed toxic. And yet, this toxin gradually poisons us if we give into it. I love your idea of choosing to celebrate each other as an antidote to falling into the comparison trap. You’re right. We do need to have the Holy Spirit’s help. Thanks so much for sharing your insights here!
Such great advice here Jeanne, I especially liked the following statement;
‘Understand what our strengths are and thank God for them. Focus on these rather than on our weaknesses.’
This we need to keep in the forefront of our minds, as comparison is a bottomless pit.
Blessings, Jennifer
Jennifer, it’s easy to focus on our weaknesses and to forget God has given us strengths. But when we focus on the strengths He’s given us, we can operate in these and serve the Lord more completely. You’re right: comparison is a bottomless pit! Thanks for sharing your wisdom, my friend!
Choose contentment. This is so key yet so easy (way too easy!) for me to forget. Thank you for spurring me on with this reminder.
Natalie, so true. It is too easy for me to forget the power of contentment too. May we both remember the power contentment holds for us! I’m so glad you stopped by!
Contentment makes a huge difference in how we perceive ourselves and others, Jeanne!
Lisa, I couldn’t agree more! Contentment is huge in combatting comparison. Thanks for sharing this!
Very useful suggestions, Jeanne! Either I heard it or read it: As you look at someone else and wish for what they have or can do, that person may very well be looking your way, wishing for something YOU have or can do. I think that’s true, and it helps me achieve perspective when the temptation to compare surfaces. (Not that I’ve achieved total victory in this area. It can creep up when we least expect it!)
Nancy, I have read that idea too. In my more insecure days, it’s baffling to think there is anything someone would wish for something I can do. God knows the journey He has for each of us—the hardships we’ll face, the joy we’ll experience, the things we must learn to become the people our Father designed us to be so we can fulfill the unique callings He’s given each of us.
“Beware of our triggers” reminded me of how long ago I avoided the fashion magazines my friends loved. The flawless figures and skin only made me feel bad. Jon Acuff said don’t compare your beginning with someone else’s middle, or something like that. While we’re in our story, we can’t see how God is using it in His story.
Deb, those fashion magazines . . . crazy how they often left us feeling like we didn’t measure up. I’ve heard that quote by Jon Acuff. I need to look it up again. I LOVE what you said about how while we’re in our story, we can’t see how God is using it in His story. Thanks for that beautiful reminder, friend.
So much sounds advice here and I wonder if the writing life has a special need for a rigorous avoidance of comparison…
We write the story God has given us—not somebody else’s!
Michele, I think the writing life DOES lend itself to comparison. We must choose not to compare our journeys with others’, becuase God directs each person on a unique, made-for-them parts, right? And I love waht you said about how we write the story God has given us, not someone else’s. Thanks for sharing your wisdom here, friend!
One of the things that most helped me was Ephesians 1:6, which some translations render “He made us accepted in the Beloved.” Getting hold of the idea that I was fully accepted in Christ was a big step in making me feel secure in Him. Then, realizing He made different people with different gifts and capacities helped as well. I’m not called to do what others do. I’m called to do what He has given me to do with the resources He has given me.
Barbara, Ephesians 1:6 is a great verse. My being accepted by God was a hard thing for me to believe for many years. But you’re right. When we grasp this truth and begin to live in it, we will have a lot more confidence and peace. Your wisdom about realizing God gives each of us different gifts and different callings. When we try to compare ourselves with others in this light, it’s like comparing apples with ostriches. There’s nothing to really compare. Thanks for sharing your insights here, friend!
Sometimes it is easier to be kind to others instead of yourself. Great reminders we all need to follow. Thanks
Ohmygoodness, Anita. You are so right. It’s much easier to be kind to others and not to ourselves. We need to choose to show kindness to ourselves, too, don’t we? Thanks so much for visiting today, Anita!