Have you ever thought that helping others through tough times is . . . well, tough?
Hailey
Amy
Terrence
Alissa
Helen
Harold
Esther
Mary
Mandi
And a few others who shall remain nameless
These names represent people I care about who have struggled through very painful times, or have passed away in the past few years. This is a partial list, and I can only imagine how long some of your lists are.
No, I’m not hosting a contest to see whose list is the longest. These names are a reminder that, in each situation, I’ve had the opportunity—the gift—to walk beside them as they faced painful times of their lives.
As I’ve considered how we keep our faith in painful seasons, I’ve also grappled with how we walk alongside those enduring painful, uncertain seasons. Because I feel inept at approaching this topic in depth, I asked friends who have walked the hard roads what were the biggest helps in their hard seasons.
How To’s for Helping Others Through Tough Times—20 Tips—As I’ve considered how to keep our faith in painful seasons, I’ve also grappled with how do we walk alongside those enduring painful, uncertain seasons. #toughtimes… Click To Tweet
Tips for helping others through tough times
What follows are some actions that meant the most to people in the middle of trials and in the aftermath of loss.
Practical Helps
The gift of food
Whether it’s a home-cooked meal or a gift card to a restaurant, this can be an enormous help. When a person walks through a difficult trial, finding the energy to make meals is difficult. Relieving this burden can be meaningful.
Clean the house…
if they’ll let you. A clean house is not a top priority. When we can serve in this way, we offer them the gift of a peaceful place.
Run errands
If you’re going to the grocery store or somewhere else, offer to pick things up for them. When you drop it off, don’t expect to see them. Leave it on their porch and let them know. If they are in a place of being ready to see people, they’ll let you know.
Offer Childcare
Whether it’s taking care of their children, running them to school or sports practices, or doing other things to lighten their parenting burden, this blesses the person who’s struggling.
Send flowers or a small gift . . .
let them know they are thought of.
Presence Helps
Give Space
When a loved one is struggling, a way of helping them through a tough time is to give space for them to feel the pain. To cry. To ask the hard, painful questions. We don’t have to answer those hard questions. Sometimes, it’s more a matter of listening.
Listen
When someone opens up to us about their struggle, let’s listen, not judge what they say. Be a support as they pour out what’s on their heart. Be a safe place. Be vulnerable. If they are struggling with something in their faith—the What-If’s perhaps—share a time when we’ve struggled too. When we don’t understand God’s ways in our lives, knowing we are not alone is a balm to our souls.
Be Present
People I spoke with said having someone be present with them through the tears, the heartache, even the anger, ministered in powerful ways. Sometimes our presence offers the support when they aren’t yet ready to talk.
How To’s for Helping Others Through Tough Times—20 Tips Sometimes our presence offers the support when they aren’t yet ready to talk #toughtimes #tellhisstory #helpingothers Click To TweetDon’t be afraid of silence . . .
and don’t try to fill it with words. Sometimes people need someone to simply listen and acknowledge their suffering.
Be willing to sit with them in their pain
Notice if they are teary or emotionally struggling. Offer a hug, listen. Be silent beside them.
Share Encouragement
Take time to touch base regularly. Write a snail mail note, an email, a text, or to call. Remind them they aren’t forgotten. When appropriate, share a Scripture that once helped us.
Pray
Ask God to show us how to pray for them. Ask them what their prayer needs are. And then pray. If they are willing, pray with them. Here are a few verses to help you pray with direction.
My gift to you: feel free to download photos from this folder, if they will help you encourage loved ones. Feel free to send them as memes. But please only use them for this purpose.
Remind them God is with them
When walking through a painful trial, it’s easy for our perspective to become skewed. Sometimes a gentle reminder that God sees and loves us in our hard situations is what’s needed to encourage faith.
Be yourself
When a person is struggling with cancer or another serious health issue, the death of a loved one, or another all-consuming sort of trial, they need their friends to just be themselves . . . whatever that looks like for each individual.
NOT Helps:
In helping others through tough times,
DON’T:
. . . Allow the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing prevent us from reaching out at all. It’s better to try to reach out and mess up than to stay silent b/c we didn’t want to make a mistake.
. . . Allow silence make you feel like you must fill it.
. . . Act or talk as though you completely understand what they are going through. Each person’s struggle, grief, is unique to them.
. . . Share Bible verses (though they may be accurate for the situation) or platitudes in the moment of pain. There may be a time for sharing later. Be situationally aware.
. . . Offer advice in their moment of pain. At some point, we can ask if they’d like to hear our thoughts, but we shouldn’t ever force our thoughts on someone in the middle of a painful struggle.
. . . Try to “fix them.” God is the only Person who can do the mending, fixing, and healing in another’s heart and life. Often, our role is to walk with them through the process.
I am certain I’ve barely skimmed the surface of how we can encourage others in their faith when they’re facing painful situations. Let’s seek God as we reach out to those in our lives who are hurting.
What about you? What have others done that helped you in a tough season? What would you add to my lists?
Remember we’re linking up at Lisa’s place next week!
Come share your story at the Tell His Story linkup. Connect and be encouraged by like-minded friends! #tellhisstory #linkup Click To TweetMost weeks, I link up with Grace and Truth, Anita Ojeda, Instaencouragements, and sometimes Let’s Have Coffee. Come join and read more encouraging posts!
Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
What a great idea to get ideas from people who have “been there,” Jeanne. All of these suggestions are so practical and helpful. I love the idea of touching base regularly. So much love is given when a loss first occurs, but the outpouring ends as everyone else gets back to their regular lives. Those people who don’t forget—who are willing to listen and don’t expect you to “move on”—are so encouraging. Thanks so much for sharing this, my friend.
Lois, I know you’ve walked some hard roads. You’re right. Lots of people show love and support in the beginning. I know, for a friend, it meant the world as people reached out to her and her family six months and beyond after they lost their daughter. I so appreciate your wisdom and insight shared here, friend.
This is all such great advice, Jeanne! I’m sure you have been a great blessing to all those people you list. My friend’s husband died a couple of months ago after six months or so of illness, so I have been trying to figure all of this out and work out how best to support her at different points. We definitely need God’s wisdom, but I agree with what you say – doing something is better than doing nothing. Even if we don’t always get it exactly right they see that we care.
Lesley, first, I’m so sorry about your friend’s husband. What a painful season for her. Yes, I think the big thing is for friends walking through struggles to see that we care. I’ll pray God shows you the best way to come alongside her during this difficult time.
Again, your photos here and in your newsletter are so heart-refreshing, Jeanne. Thank you. And thank you for all these wise tips, both the do’s and the don’ts. The first don’t especially struck me. I do need work in answering God’s nudges more, even when I’m afraid I might say or do the wrong thing… Love and blessings to you!
Trudy, thanks for your kind words! There are definitely times when I need to move on God’s nudges too. You are not alone in that. Thanks for sharing a bit of your heart here, friend. Sending love and blessings your way too!
These are wonderful! Too often we let our fears of doing it “wrong” keep us from helping people at all. But even the small things can make a big difference.
Lisa, I’ve been the one afraid of doing something wrong and thus not doing anything at all. You’re right. Small things can make a big difference!
Such a good list, dear Jeanne. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Blessings – Wendy Mac 🕊️
Thanks for your kind words, Wendy. Sending you blessings back. 🙂
Such helpful tips! Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for stopping by, Lauren!
Great tips Jeanne!
When my late husband was dying from brain cancer in hospital, my pastor & an elder from my church came out to our farm & chopped a pile of felled wood, piling it up for my wood heater.
And one woman did all my ironing. Those kindnesses were absolutely precious to me at that time.
Bless you,
Jennifer
Jennifer, I can only imagine what a comfort it was to have people help you with some of those bigdaunting tasks. I’m glad God placed such caring people in your life during such a heart-rending time. Thank you for sharing a piece of your story here.
Such wonderful, practical advice for helping others. Often I don’t quite know how to help, so thank you, Jeanne.
Thank you for your kind words, Kathy. I don’t always know how to help either. I’m thankful for the wise friends who shared their insights. 🙂
As a mom of girls who simultaneously suffered the onset of different chronic illnesses, I appreciate every bit of this. As a human who, even with the aforementioned experience, I appreciate the list of what to and not to do. We were recently discussed in my small group how hard it is to k now what to do when we know someone could use some help. Thanks for this practical post.
Oh, Natalie, I can only imagine how difficult that season was for your family! It’s wonderful that your small group was discussing this topic. It seems like, sometimes, we just need to move beyond the felt awkwardness and simply reach out. Thank you so much for sharing your experience here.
Great advice Jeanne. It’s not an easy path to walk with someone through a hard time, certainly not for the faint of heart. But when done well, we become loving instruments in the hands of God as He touches their lives through us.
Agreed, Donna. Walking hard paths with others is not for the faint of heart. May we all seek to be instruments in God’s hands.
Jeanne, I love how you offered practical and presence help. Very good!
Thank you, Deb! They’re both important, aren’t they?
This is such a needed post, Jeanne. Even though I’ve been on the receiving end of comfort, I easily forget how to apply the lessons I learned to other people’s situation. It’s so important to be situationally aware! I find asking for the Holy Spirit to guide me keeps me from spouting platitudes and jabbering to fill the silence (my two go-to not-so-helpful reactions to other people’s pain).
Anita, it’s so hard to sit in silence. I do better at some times than I do at others in this discipline. Situational awareness is critical if we truly want to be a help and encouragement to others walking through hard seasons, isn’t it? May we both become more comfortable with silence. Thanks for sharing your heart here, friend!
When my late brother and sister ‘n law were going through cancer treatments, their neighbours helped them out with errands, house maintenance, and food drop-off’s. There were so many food dishes delivered that my sister ‘n law published a cookbook with recipes by these same neighbours!
Lynn, I know it was a little while back, but I am truly sorry you lost your brother and sister-in-law to cancer. They truly were blessed to have neighbors who reached out to them and helped them during that painful time. And a cookbook! What a beautiful way to share a tribute to those who helped with food. Thanks for sharing this example!
There really is “no one size fits all” in painful situations. I so appreciate the reminder to be sensitive to others, letting the Lord guide us in our words and actions. Sometimes just being present, not doing or saying anything is the much needed balm.
So true, Joanne. There isn’t a “one size fits all” way of helping others. Yes, yes, and yes to just being present. Presence is powerful.
These are all great tips. I’d add just to pray about what to do. Once when I was very sick for several weeks, a lady brought over a puzzle and put it together with my son. My kids had had to be carted all over the place to different babysitters while I was in the hospital and then seeing doctors for months afterward. That quiet activity was such a blessing, and something I never would have thought to ask for.
Barb, prayer is the most important first step. I’m so glad you added it. You’re right. Sometimes, when someone is in the middle of a really hard season, they aren’t even sure what their needs are. I’m so glad God placed friends in your life who came alongside you in such tangible ways when you were so ill. Thanks for sharing this beautiful example.
Thanks for listing your names. May those who suffer never become faceless or nameless to us.
Agreed, Michele. Let’s remember those who suffer.
Thank you, Jeanne for sharing your thoughts. Recently, our family went through a very difficult trial. I have so often thought about what you wrote here. It has taught me so many lessons on what is helpful and what isn’t. THANKS for sharing. Glad to be here again and reading 🙂
Heidi, I’m so sorry your family went through a difficult trial. It’s interesting how, when we walk through a very difficult season, our perspective broadens on how we can come alongside others when they’re walking in their trials. I’m so very glad you stopped by, friend!
Jeanne, thank you for sharing this blessed post. Sometimes I feel at a loss for words and fear saying that wrong thing to someone.
Paula, there have been many times when I haven’t been sure what to say. When a dear friend lost her baby many years ago, she told me, in essence, that saying something that shows you care, even if it’s awkward or not the best thing, is better than avoiding the person or trying to say something that will “make them better.” We can pray that the Lord will give us the right words for each occasion, right? 🙂
Sorry, I can’t help you.
No, my heart is not a stone,
but I’ll say, and you should know
it’s time to grow some backbone.
This ain’t Isandlwana,
and you won’t die in Dachau,
and if life don’t give what you wanna,
dude, don’t have a cow.
Maybe marriage ain’t the best,
maybe you have cancer,
but this is really not a test
and there is no right answer
except to discipline your mind
and above all, to be kind.
Andrew, interesting poem. I appreciate your sentiment, and it highlights the frequent difference between how men and women often view hardship. 🙂 I so appreciate you, my friend, and your words. I’m praying for you and Barb.
My words, they may be hyperbolic
and tending to excess,
but I’ve released them for a frolic
because my life’s a mess.
I really am a friendly sort,
my heart’s not made of stone,
but despite a girl in every port
I still feel so alone,
cast away by cancer’s hand
upon a mute blind shore,
begotten to a ghostly land
whose only open door
leads unto the mystery,
admitting none to walk with me.
Andrew, your words and images . . . evocative. I always appreciate your thoughts and poems!