Have you ever considered what is often at the root of conflict?
I was talking with a friend recently about conflict. She shared some thoughtful observations. She had been studying James 4. In verse one it says:
“Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?”
dictionary.com describes conflict like this:
“a struggle or clash between opposing forces; battle. a state of opposition between ideas, interests, etc; disagreement or controversy. a clash, as between two appointments made for the same time.”
What is the root of most conflict? Right or wrong, conflict arises because we want something that’s different from someone else’s wants. When we try to talk this out, a “war” of sorts can happen. Or the war in our hearts spills into conversation with others.
The Root of Conflict—6 Practical How To's for Handling It—Right or wrong, conflict arises because we want something that’s different from someone else’s wants @JeanneTakenaka #tellhisstory #conflict #relationship Click To TweetWhen I’m at odds with one of my sons, our root cause of conflict often stems from me wanting something for them they don’t consider to be important.
I may be the mom who’s fought with her kids about how much time they spend on screens. Research shows too much time devoted to their phones or laptops isn’t healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. My heart’s desire is that they thrive.
Perhaps my definition of “thrive” differs from theirs. Even if my version of this word comes from research and life experience, there are effective and ineffective ways to deal with this sort of conflict.
If I push and try to control to get my way, what will be the end result? Momentary resentment from them and, if I continue, long-term distance. God continues to remind me that relationship is more important than winning and getting my way.
The Root of Conflict—6 Practical How To's for Handling It— Relationship is more important than winning and getting our way. #tellhisstory #conflict #relationship Click To TweetQuick note: I’m not a licensed counselor. I’m sharing from a layperson’s perspective. At the end of this post are a couple of resources to help those who may be in abusive situations
Questions to ask to determine the root of conflict before engaging:
Regardless of the situation causing conflict, and with whom our conflict is, we first need to stop and evaluate our hearts.
- What’s motivating us to want what we do?
- Are our intentions pure? Will they honor Jesus?
- Do we have selfish or self-serving reasons for what we want?
- What is most important to us in this situation?
- What do we hope to accomplish?
These questions can help us determine our root of conflict. If we can answer them honestly, God will help us to see if we have motives or mindsets that don’t align with Him.
There are times when conflict must happen. First, though, let’s check our hearts before we enter a conflict situation. When conflict is necessary, let’s approach it humbly.
Sometimes, our reason for bringing up a difficult topic in conversation with another is completely valid, but the way we do it can backfire. I’m learning with my sons and husband to do the following:
Tips for engaging wisely in conflict
We all want to handle conflict well. Here are six ways to engage in conflict.
Pray
I try to always ask God for His words, perspective, and wisdom in navigating the conversation
Determine if their current mood is conducive to resolving the conflict
Not that we give in to moods, but if one of my people has had a horrible day, this moment isn’t the best time to bring up one more difficult issue.
Try not to interrupt them . . .
when they’re in the middle of another activity. Even when my sones are gaming, I ask them to let me know when they’re at a stopping point. And then we talk.
Understand that, sometimes, the topic must be broached,
even if the other person doesn’t want to discuss it. In these circumstances, choose gentleness and humility to diffuse the other person’s strong emotions. Validate their emotions when it’s possible to do so.
Ask God to help us see the person through His eyes
Remember the ultimate goal of conflict isn’t to win.
It’s to restore relationship. Sometimes this means setting healthier boundaries. Also, each person involved in the conflict needs the opportunity to share their view on the situation.
Most of us don’t enjoy conflict. But, conflict is a part of a relationship, so we must learn how to deal with the root of conflict and how to best work with our hearts when they are upset. When we’ve checked our hearts beforehand—and when we’ve checked our motivations at the door of relational wholeness—we’ll be able to approach those difficult conversations with a greater degree of grace, confidence, and intention.
What about you? What have you found is at the root of conflict for you? How do you deal with your heart when in a conflict situation?
I didn’t cover this in the post, but for women in abusive situations, here are a couple of resources:
What constitutes abuse? Click here for relationship expert Leslie Vernick’s clear-cut guidance on what constitutes physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse. And you can find help at The National Domestic Violence Hotline here
Come share your story at the Tell His Story linkup. Connect and be encouraged by like-minded friends! #tellhisstory #linkup Click To TweetMost weeks, I link up with Grace and Truth, Anita Ojeda, Instaencouragements, and sometimes Let’s Have Coffee. Come join and read more encouraging posts!
Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
Each week we gather here as storytellers, word weavers, and encouragers to make His name known. Our story is God’s story and this small corner of the blogging world, where we come together each Tuesday, needs you. This is a place where poetry, snapshots, prayers, and stories find a safe spot to nod in agreement that what we have to say matters. I am glad you are here and would love to have you join the #TellHisStory community. Add your own encouraging post through the link below. Spread some love by visiting your neighbor and leaving your own encouragement. Click here to read more about the #TellHisStory community and find a button to add to your site.
Such wise counsel here, Jeanne, and very relevant to me right now. The point about moods is such an important one … timing is everything, isn’t it? (I’d add a subpoint about making sure the other person isn’t hungry or very tired before you broach a hard subject. 😂) I also appreciate the truth that there are some conversations that NEED to be had, whether or not the other person thinks so. It might be easier to avoid the whole topic, but you’re right … relational wholeness is more important than personal comfort.
Hey Lois, moods do try to dictate things, don’t they? And yes, knowing if the other person is hungry or tired is pretty important! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, friend.
Thank you for your practical insights, Jeanne, “Sometimes, our reason for bringing up a difficult topic in conversation with another is completely valid, but the way we do it can backfire.” Walking in wisdom, consideration and timing are all crucial.
Lisa, yes. Especially when the subject of conflict is difficult, we must make sure we’re following God’s lead and loving those we must talk with through our words, actions, and choice of timing. I hope you have a great weekend!
Beautiful written you. Much advisable blog post. I like!
I’m so glad you liked this post. 🙂
Thank you so much!
jeanne, i love those questions you’ve given us about conflict. i’m guessing that if we sat quietly with them and God we’d probably do a better job of being in the right heart-space, humble and reflective. thanks for walking with us in these days of seemingly endless conflict, misunderstanding, and disagreement.
Lord, have mercy.
Linda, I’m thinking you’re right about the changes God can make in our hearts when we sit with Him first. I always appreciate your insights, my friend.
These are helpful was to talk with others about a conflict. I was especially appreciative of the one not to interrupt an activity if possible. Thank you, Jeanne.
Kathy, I learned the hard way with my sons about not interrupting them. It’s tough because when I think of something I want to discuss it NOW. But, giving them a chance to wrap up what they’re doing first works better for all of us. 🙂
Sorry to be late.
A war within my fabric,
a war for my own soul,
a war to desecrate and rip
that which keeps me whole.
A war upon the faith I hold,
a war upon belief,
a war to make my heart go cold,
a war with no relief.
A war that boils down to a rage
a war that builds an answer
that leaps boldly from the page,
mid-finger raised to cancer,
and when the final tally’s through,
I’ll be standing ‘stead of you.
You’re never late, Andrew. Oh, how I love the passion in your words. We are all in a war of some sort. Your determination to stand firm in your faith is a testimony. And the reminder that you (and each of God’s kids) will stand victorious in the end offers hope.
I’m praying for you and Barb, my friend.
Jeanne, thank you. Bad week. Worse to come.
These are great tips, Jeanne! I think taking the time to reflect and pray first and then picking our moment carefully can make a big difference in a situation of conflict.
Lesley, I agree. Taking time to reflect and pray before engaging will make a difference in resolving conflict. Thank you for stopping by!
“Try not to interrupt them . . .” This is sometimes the hardest one. When I think something needs to be resolved, I tend to want it to happen NOW. But that’s not always the best time. Praying for God’s wisdom as we deal with conflict. Great advice here, Jeanne.
Lisa, I’ve learned this lesson the hard way . . . a few times. May we both seek God’s wisdom continually. 🙂
Super helpful advice!
Thank you, Lauren!
I’m presently doing a study in James too & this morning was James 4:1-3!
Very poignant indeed & a great post Jeanne with some very good advice!
Bless you,
Jennifer
Jennifer, I LOVE how God does that, bringing up similar thoughts and verses in different places! I appreciate your encouraging words!
I loved your thught, “relationship is more important than winning and getting my way.” I’m camping out on that thought awhile …
Thanks, Jerralea. Yes, remembering the objective of conflict makes all the difference in how we approach it, doesn’t it?
Jeanne, what an excellent article. proper conflict resolution is not often discussed, and even less easy to accomplish. I love your emphasis on the root of conflict. For me, that is something I tend to avoid because it exposes my sinful and selfish desires. But starting there is the key to de-escalating and resolving the situation! Thank you for this thought-provoking hope-filled, practical post!
Donna, you’re right. Conflict resolution can be difficult to accomplish. And, oh goodness, yes, when I look at the root of my conflicts, I’ve had many times when my own sinful desires have come up. I so appreciate your encouraging words, friend!
Conflict does seem to be about differing thoughts, opinions, ideas, facts. Both of us are promoting our agenda. I like that you mention determining if the mood is conducive to resolving or discussing the conflict. This was something I had to learn early in our marriage. The right time produces much better results. Also, how to approach the topic. I find starting with a story often has a good result with my husband. I am also realizing most of us want to feel safe. If I can help the other person feel safe during the conflict (like through listening, not attacking them, etc,) the outcome is much better.
Theresa, the idea of bringing things up at the best time (with the right moods) has been an ongoing lesson for me. First, in learning my husband’s moods and more recently, being aware of where our sons are at to help me determine the timing for bringing tough topics up. And yes, especially with men, starting with a story draws them in and helps them relate. I love your thoughts on helping the other person feel safe during the conflict. That is a game-changer!
This is a timely message. Our world is experiencing a season of conflict. Political, unrest pandemic related (vaccinations, masks), racial unrest. I could go on and on. And violence is at a all time high. I loved your points. Two that I have found to be helpful in my life were the timeliness of the conversation and praying for God to let me see them through His eyes. Game changers for me.
Calvonia, you’re right. Our world seems to be in a nonstop state of conflict. I love the points you shared that help you with conflict. They are two that help me too. Thanks for stopping by!
I am thankful that when conflict arises, we can go to the Father and seek His guidance.
Yes indeed, Melissa! I completely agree with you!
Another check for me is to check my state. Am I hungry, tired, overwhelmed, or sad causing my mental state to be less resilient, tolerant, and discerning? If so, I know I need to remove myself from potential conflict until I’ve rested or even just had something to eat (I think the Snickers commercial has it right when it comes to getting “Hangry”. lol) Wonderful post! Conflict is in our life. May we have God’s wisdom and use the tools He provides through His word and through others to create peace.
Lynn, I love that you brought up the physical elements that can contribute to conflict. I’m like you . . . if I’m getting testy, I’m also probably hangry. NEVER a good underlying condition when I need to have a difficult conversation with someone. I so appreciate your insights!
Hello Jeanne,
This line stood out to me: “Remember the ultimate goal of conflict isn’t to win. It’s to restore relationship.” I think people forget this important truth and that is why conflicts linger and fester. If there is conflict between two people and both show up to win, the conflict could go on forever, whereas, if they show up to restore the relationship, the approach is different all together. In that same chapter of James 4, verse 2 talks about jealousy and envy; two root causes of conflict.
Yvonne, yes! When both people show up determined to win, both lose in the end. I love that you brought up James 4:2. Jealousy and envy are definitely root causes of conflict! Thanks for sharing your wisdom here!
These are so good, Jeanne! I’ve learned to pray just as soon as I feel a conflict brewing. As a second child who loves to win, your sixth point really hit home. It’s not about ‘winning,’ it’s about restoring relationship.
Yes, Anita, I believe prayer is the absolute best first step we can take when we sense conflict is brewing! God has challenged me to not always try to get in the last word. That rarely, if ever, leads to good results in a conflict situation.
If I could arrange for a re-do on anything in my parenting life, it would be the way I approached disagreements with our sons. I’m afraid I put being right ahead of being kind many times…
Oh, Michele. Me too. Even today, I had to apologize to one of my boys after bringing up a touchy issue at the wrong time. Because I needed to bring up the topic in my time frame. Ummm, no. Thank goodness God’s grace covers our gaffes!
Great tips, Jeanne. Sometimes we’re riled and we want to barrel in and have our say and set things straight–but that mindset usually paves the way for more conflict. Checking our motives, humility, considering the other person’s mindset, and waiting for a good time all help the conversation go more smoothly.
Barbara, I’ve been that tired person who just barrels in rather than taking time to evaluate if my timing is the right timing. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!
Jeanne, you have shared very practical ways to engage in conflict, especially with children. I do not enjoy conflict and yet, there are times we must enter in. I pray that I will “be able to approach those difficult conversations with a greater degree of grace, confidence, and intention.” My heart is to maintain good relationships with those in my life and that’s possible only as God brings me wisdom and grace.
Joanne, thank you for your encouraging words. I am with you . . . my heart is to maintain good relationships with those in my life, especially my closest family. I need God’s wisdom and grace!