What causes people pleasing to enter our thoughts and then our hearts?
I’ve shared how I dealt with bullying and rejection when I was a girl in elementary school. Being called names. Ostracized. Made fun of. Pushed around . . . all of these laid the foundation for my tendency to become a people pleaser.
The mantra I developed as a result of my elementary and junior high school years became: “Be accepted. No matter the cost.”
Mistreatment by my peers was one thing that caused people pleasing to become a priority in my heart and my thoughts.
We are born for connection. When that desire for connection is withheld, we will respond in some way.
Childhood rejection set into motion unhealthy mindsets and behaviors. I determined I would become whoever I needed to be in order to avoid the gash rejection slashed open in my heart.
I learned to like what my friends liked. Say the things people wanted to hear. Do the things expected of me. Even into my thirties, I lacquered a veneer over my true heart and feelings.
What caused people pleasing in me was a raw desire not to be rejected. I always saw myself as “less-than”. If I could be “enough,” even for a little while, I pursued the people-pleasing route.
People Pleasing defined
So, what is “people pleasing”?
According to Medical News Today, it’s defined as: “Generally, it describes a person who consistently strives to please others, often sacrificing their own wants or needs in the process.”
What causes people-pleasing to become a thing in our choices?
And yes, this behavior is a choice we make. But understanding the motives behind people-pleasing can help us to begin to choose differently.
For me, people-pleasing became “a thing” because I didn’t want to face the pain of rejection anymore. My mindset was to do whatever was necessary to be accepted.
What causes people pleasing to become so important?
According to Medical News Today, these are some root causes for people pleasing:
Low self-esteem
Anxiety
Conflict avoidance
Culture/socialization
Inequity
Personality disorders
Trauma
Here’s a truth, what causes people pleasing to become a priority in our thought processes is almost always because we don’t understand our worth in God’s eyes.
When we don’t understand or believe that we have intrinsic worth, we try to earn our value by doing those things we believe others will be pleased with. Often, we sacrifice who we are. We violate our personal boundaries. And compromise in order to gain others’ approval.
The results of people-pleasing
Though one of the underlying reasons we opt for people pleasing is because we yearn for connection, in the end, we’ll be lonely. Here’s why:
What happens when we live to people please:
We lose ourselves when we focus on pleasing others
When we’re so focused on pleasing others, we don’t discover who we are designed to be.
We forget who God created us to be
When we try so hard to fit into others’ expectations or molds, we ignore or forget who God created us to be. When we try to please people rather than God, we don’t develop the skills and giftings our Father gave us.
We end up not pleasing anyone
Sooner or later, when we are not our authentic selves, we will disappoint others and face rejection anyway. People are fickle. We can’t please them forever and ever, amen. We may accomplish temporary satisfaction in meeting their expectations. But when we grow weary of jumping to their call, we become resentful. Discouraged.
When we understand what causes people pleasing to be a priority in our thoughts and hearts, we can change.
Conclusion
I wish I could say I’ve licked this nasty habit, but sadly, I still fall prey to it sometimes. Next week, let’s talk about some ways to overcome the tendency to place others before our Father and before ourselves.
What about you? Do you know what causes people-pleasing to be a priority in your life? If you’ve struggled with this, what helped you discover your people-pleasing tendencies?
***Fun note: this topic was one requested in the blog survey I sent out last summer.
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Jeanne, I’ve been thinking about this post all week and am finally getting a chance to comment. I don’t think I would call myself a people pleaser, but some childhood rejection combined with a deep awareness of being different left their marks on me in other ways. I so appreciate your transparency in tackling this subject …you’ve clearly hit a tender spot with many people. Looking forward to next week’s post!
Awww, friend. It is interesting how pain in our past can shape how we interact in the present. There’s definitely a lot to be said for being different. When we accept being different, God brings protection, affirmation, and eventually a comfort with who He’s created us to be. Thanks for your encouraging words!
Such great timing for me. I’m pushing myself to entertain out-of-town guests for 8 days. It’s hard not to worry about what I’m serving and how clean my house is and whether or not they are bored. It’s hard to let go of all that and just enjoy their company.
Awww, Teresa. I so appreciate your transparency. It can be challenging not to worry about wanting everything to be just right for guests. I’ve had that struggle at times too. I’m praying for you during the time they are still with you. May God give you the opportunity to simply enjoy their company.
Great insights on people-pleasing. I’m so sorry you experience such rejection as a child!
Kathy, thank you for your encouragement. God has ways of redeeming our brokenness, doesn’t He?
Jeanne, prayers are really appreciated. Today is brutal.
Awww, friend. I’m sorry. I’m praying now.
Interesting that conflict avoidance is symptom of people pleasing! I hadn’t thought of that before, but I can see how that is true. And I hadn’t considered that being bullied (and I’m sorry you went through that) can lead to people-pleasing later in life. I took a women’s leadership course years ago that helped me overcome some of my people pleasing tendencies. It’s funny though, how I’ve also been criticized by others when I have chosen not to people-please. I look forward to your next post, Jeanne! When we follow God, and serve others as He calls, we also show His way rather than “people ways.” I’m still learning this too!
Jeanne, I left a long comment but got a “nonce” message. I’m not sure what causes that. The problem is probably on my end but just wanted to try replying to your comment and see if it works this way. I enjoyed your post and didn’t want you to think I’m not reading your posts.
Awww, Donna, I’m so sorry you got a Nonce message. It happens on occasion, and I’m not sure why. Thank you so much for taking time to read my posts. You are a blessing!
Thank you for addressing people pleasing Jeanne. I fall into this. I say fall because I am always surprised when I find it happening. But I am learning to only look to God for the One to please.
Deborah, I so appreciate your transparency here! It’s a complete shift in our thinking to learn to only look to God as the One we need to please, but learning how to do this is so much easier on our hearts and thoughts, isn’t it?
I think my people-pleasing tendencies come from my bent towards conflict avoidance. I’ve been working on facing conflict instead of avoiding it, and I’m discovering my need to please people has diminished. But I’d never made a connection between the two before! Your words really made me think. Thank you.
Anita, facing conflict can feel scary in the short-term, but it eventually leaves us with peace and certainty, doesn’t it? Thank you for sharing how you’re navigating through this. 🙂
I’m afraid I still fall prey to people-pleasing, too, Jeanne. It can be hard when the cause is deeply rooted, can’t it? But God… He is so good and patient with us and so graciously gives us strength to change our perspective again and again. Thank you for this insightful post, my friend. I love the photos, as always! Love and blessings to you!
Trudy, I so appreciate your honesty. I”m so thankful the Lord is patient with us and gives us His grace for changing our perspectives. I always appreciate your authenticity, my friend. Sending you love and blessings back!
Yes, people pleasing instead of God pleasing is definitely problematic Jeanne. One I think many people can relate too.
Something in my younger years I found myself doing because like you I was bullied at school & in early adulthood.
But I’ve found that doing God’s will & pleasing Him far easier. And loving people with His love without having to be a people pleaser far better.
Although, having His discernment to know which is which has definitely been a longer journey then expected over the years.
Thank you for sharing with us here sweet friend,
Jennifer
Jennifer, I completely agree. doing God’s will and seeking to please Him is far easier. and this: “having His discernment to know which is which has definitely been a longer journey then expected over the years.” Again, yes. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, my friend!
Jeanne, I wonder if any of us are immune to people pleasing. At various times in my life, it was a very real struggle. The more I tried to please others, not only did I fail more, but I lost a sense of myself. As I get older I am realizing, as I live to please the One, I am accepted in Him and by Him, and gain my identity in Him.
Joanne, it sounds like we walked through similar struggles. One of the advantages to aging is that we begin to see life through a different lens. I completely agree that seeking to please the One is enough. I’m so thankful for His acceptance and that He forms our identities. Thanks for sharing your insights. 🙂
This helps me understand my husband’s perspective a little bit better Jeanne. Thank you for sharing your testimony with us.
Lisa, I’m so glad you found these words helpful. 🙂
I’m reading now how Peter, fearing a party that came from James, quit eating with the Gentile believers. An age-old problem.
Debbie, Peter was called out on his people pleasing in that circumstance, wasn’t he? It is an age-old problem. Thank goodness our Father has the solutions for us, huh? Thanks for the reminder about this passage!
Jeanne, such a thoughtful article, with great advice. My husband is a hopeless people pleaser, which can be so crippling to him. I’m afraid, like Amy I’m the polar opposite which brings a host of other problems for this rebellious soul.
Donna, yes, people pleasing, left unchecked, is crippling. And it’s so hard to move beyond that mindset. I’m thankful God takes us, wherever we are on the spectrum, and refines us into His character. Thanks for sharing here, my friend!
Oh boy Jeanne, you are talking directly to me here. This is me, or was me. People pleasing was so anxiety inducing. I appreciate this topic.
Visiting today from #18
Paula, yes, people pleasing IS anxiety inducing! I’m so glad that God already accepts us and loves us. Thank you so much for your transparency!
I wish I could say I can’t relate to people-pleasing tendencies but it has been part of me all of my life. Ugh! I agree that a root cause for people-pleasing is connection. We have an innate desire to want to belong. I believe we live in a climate now that makes it even more difficult to fit in because people are so unaccepting. May we all choose to love others so they know they are wanted and they belong.
Mary, you bring up some great points. And yes, it does seem like there’s a climate in our culture of not accepting those who have different views/beliefs/opinions/ideas. May we indeed choose to love others in their differences so they know they belong.
I’m the complete opposite of a people pleaser, which can cause a whole lot of other problems. I think you hit the nail on the head though as to why people are people pleasers. I also think this is a huge cultural problem right now as people are so caught up in group think and cancel culture. Everyone has to think the same, or you’re out. Thanks for the party.
Amy, I love how God makes us unique. There seems to be a balance between wanting to please others and refusing to do so. Go too far in either direction and we may find ourselves out of balance with God. You’re right. Cancel Culture and group think definitely press us into fitting into the mold, don’t they? Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I’m surprised this was a requested topic. Evidently it’s a bigger problem than I thought. It’s not wrong to want to please people in a basic sense–making my husband’s favorite foods, making a card for my friend in her favorite colors, etc. But as you said, when it goes so far that we lose ourselves or don’t even know what our own preferences are or are afraid to share them or to disagree with others or we become what God didn’t created us to be—those are all serious issues. Getting hold of Ephesians 1:6 really helped me be secure in Christ, which then helped me in relation to others: “to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.”
Barbara, it seems like there’s a healthy level of “people-pleasing” and loving those in our lives, as well as refusing to “cow-tow” to others’ expectations of us. Ephesians 1:6 is such a great verse for understanding who we are in Christ. I so appreciate you sharing it!
Isn’t it amazing how those early years shape so much of who we become. And isn’t it awesome that God can bring a healing touch to those experiences that broke our little hearts …
Yes, Linda, when I look back on those formative years now, I’m kind of amazed and dismayed at how much from those years impacted me through most of my life so far. I’ve also found that God uses those childhood wounds to conform us into the image of Jesus, to help us grow in trusting Him more, and to become a light to others around us. God’s healing touch is breathtaking.
Important & timely!
Thanks for your kind words, Barb. And thanks for stopping by!
To be a people pleasing person
was something easy to resist,
for I found meaning in reversion
to always thinking with my fists,
and I did not tend to hesitate
ending quarrel or disagreement
with opponent in a bitter state
of a bloody-mouthed bereavement,
mourning teeth suddenly lost
(farewell to the Kodak smile!),
and then counting up the cost
for a dentist to re-style
those desired pearly whites
that I knocked out, dead to rights.
Andrew, I love how God has made each of us so uniquely. And your take-charge way of doing life has inspired me as I read your words through the years. And they make me smile. I’m praying for you and Barb, my friend.